RANT with pics: And a no-glitz elf for me, please

I DO have an intense dislike of ‘high fantasy’ in general. It all reminds me (maybe with the exception of Tolkien, but only because his work was the first work of fantasy I encountered) of bad fanfic and bad kitchen sink rpgs.
I DO have an intense love for pulpy, action-packed, tersely written, sword &… literature and games.
Instead of high concept fantasy with dark elves that are nothing more than good-looking bad boys with goth makeup, instead of dwarves that are nothing more than short, grumpy master blacksmiths, instead of magic that’s as predictable as a happy ending in the latest boring Hollywood flick:
Give me Conan! Give me Tarzan! (and maybe a bit of Elric)
Give me evil witches and wizards!
Give me immense treasure!
Give me glorious violence!
Give me elves that are as alien as the elves of folklore!
Give me insatiable hunger for adventure!

The fuck? Issat supposed to be a barbarian or something? With a 20-kilogram maxi broadsword (“paddlesword”, I’m told, is the right nomenclature here; thanks, guys!). Sure. Why not. After all, everything’s possible in La-La-Land, right? Right?

Now that’s a warrior. Notice the difference? This one here has seen battle. The one above has only seen the mirror. A million times.

Geez. A tiefling. What the fucking fuck? Who wants to play that? Besides, everyfuckingbody knows that they’re a spawn of Hell. Chaos Incarnate. What the fucking fuck. But that’s high-concept 5e and glossy magazine, politically correct gaming to you.

See, that’s what a Chaos creature really looks like. And yeah, bullet to the forehead, serves him just right. John Blanche.

Aaaaaaand another polished looking, swanky character.  That’s the typically bland 4e and 5e look, and it’s disgusting. Sheesh, look at the swag mini fireball hovering above his palm. Neat braided beard, you loser.

If you want to know what a real magician in a real fantasy world looks like, look no further than John Blanche, the master. This is a slinger of spells. This is someone who was borderline fucking crazy when he started the Dark Arts. Now, he’s just a motherfucking abomination in human skin. Do you want to have someone like that in your party? Ha?

Ooooh. How cute. Mogogols. Frog men. A 5e player race. Much inclusive. Oh yeah, and roleplaying tip: “Always remember, when playing a Mogogol, they’re incredibly optimistic”
In contrast: real frog-men. The Slann. Aztec-cultured monsters. You know, Aztecs. What do you mean, blood sacrifice? But ain’t they, like, happy toads, or something? (Probably because they’re licking themselves, but that’s stuff for a future blog post)

Project Dwarven Runway. Neat little people, right? Just like humans, only stockier. That’s what happens when you make everything, everything equal. Dwarves? They’re vertically-challenged humans. Expert opinion: Fuck that outrageous lame-assery.

You know the drill. THAT’S what real dwarves look like. And see how… weird they look? That’s because they ARE weird, compared to what’s normal for us humans. Again, John Blanche shows the way.

Aaaw. 5e battle scene. So… dynamic. Look, Ma, no blood! Just the way the Committee for Decency and Clean Entertainmaint ordered it. My take on it: B.T.T. Bored to tears.

A battle scene in real, raw, down-to-blood-drenched-earth fantasy. That’s what battle looks like. Nothing like the Saturday morning cartoon idyll 5e and companions offer us. You gotta be kidding me.


2 thoughts on “RANT with pics: And a no-glitz elf for me, please

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